Marriage — It Really Is a Beautiful Thing

Yes folks, I think that marriage is pretty important. That however, is really just an opinion. I came to said opinion this weekend, when my good-hearted (albeit hairy) brother said “I do.”

Sure, I’d attended weddings before, but this was the first time that I’d witnessed two young adults truly do it properly.

They weren’t shacking up, and my brother “wasn’t milking any cows” (to quote my grandmother).

As my brother’s luminescent face transitioned to a cousin Eddie-like expression of anticipation, every single one of us in attendance understood that we were witnessing something special, something meaningful.

In my opinion, that’s a beautiful thing.

What’s not a matter of opinion, however, is that when it comes to marriage, we’ve all been lied to. Far from the miserable, broke, sexless life that it’s made out to be, the life of today’s married man is more fulfilling than any lonely, self-pleasing, single guy could hope for. So to all of you cads and good-time gals out there, read on and take note.

Myth Number One: Over Half of Today’s Marriages Fail!

Social leftists love to perpetuate this lie (about marriages failing) and for one simple reason; if you can devalue the practice of marriage by deeming it nothing more than a hopeless crapshoot of an endeavor, you can, then, open the floodgates to manipulating both its standards and importance in society.

If marriage is nothing more than a ruse, why not implement no-fault divorce laws or change it’s very definition? Aside from a few traditional old fogies downing high-balls at their sixtieth high school reunion, who would really care?

This myth, is not even in the vicinity of being true. The fact is that not only is divorce much lower than commonly stated, but the divorce rate is consistently declining because people of all ages inherently understand it’s value. Also – and many of you will really hate to hear this – if both partners are actively practicing a religious faith, their divorce rate is even lower.

Myth Number Two: Married People Don’t Have Sex

Sure, we’ve all seen the sitcoms and the movies. The charming, likeable cad inevitably ends up bedding a new desirable beauty every night (with no strings attached), while the ever-fattening married couple attempting to manage screaming children, two jobs and a household can find no time to make whoopee. This is one of the biggest lies ever thrust onto the American public.

Statistically and undeniably, married people have more sex.

Not only do they have more, but according to those surveyed, by their own admission, they are significantly happier with both their sex lives and the quality of their freak sessions.

If both partners abstained from sex until marriage, that number is even startlingly higher.

As a Christian, believing that the context of marriage is where sex is to be enjoyed and explored, it comes as no surprise to me.

To those of you who still don’t believe it, just do the physical math. A married person now has a warm (and generally willing) body with which they can do the deed one hundred percent of the time. Of course they’re getting busy. Sorry Alfie, looks like Ward Cleaver has you beat.

Myth Number Three: Getting Married?! You’re Signing Your Life Away, Kid!

Again, this is a myth perpetuated most fervently by our good old friends in the entertainment industry. The constant theme in film and television is that the newly married man is signing away his time, checkbook and decision-making ability, relegating him to a life of misery as a wife-driven, mindless drone. People at weddings say “congratulations,” but the message from an increasingly secular society is “don’t do it!!”

The truth is that married people live longer, happier, wealthier and more fulfilling lives by nearly every measurable barometer.

I know what you’re thinking; with all of the facts in, why is there still an anti-marriage cultural tapestry being woven today? I’d like to say that your guess is as good as mine, but at the end of the day there really is one sector of the United States where these myths actually ring true.

Yes folks, there is one place where well over half of all marriages end in failure, one place where marriage results in dishonesty, stress, misery and a markedly decreased libido.

That place is Hollywood.

The next time a miserable, married couple shows on the silver screen or your plasma, try remembering that.

Steven Crowder is a comedian and Fox News contributor.

Steven Crowder is a comedian and Fox News contributor. Follow him on Twitter@scrowder.